Day 24 - Mis-Construed Reality

It has been the first time I have treated a weekend as a weekend since I can recall and I am obviously not capable of doing so.  It’s now Tuesday and I’m barely getting started with the productivity I ended the week with and have spiraled down into a place that now I have to beat myself out of to re-momentum-ize.  The pills are not necessarily making it easier… or maybe they are?  That’s the challenging thing to decipher.  What the hell are they doing?  That depends who you ask.  I have one friend that helped my confidence plummet as he explosively confirmed…

“Oh my God, they’re working.  Such a difference.  Last time we met, you left the meeting and we all looked at each other wondering if you were on amphetamines.  You were all sweaty and wouldn’t stop talking and yeah… they’re working.”

“Right… thanks.”

And for the next three days, that statement lived in my head.  Recurring thoughts ruminating over how insane I’ve appeared without having any awareness of my previous appearance for how long in my life?  How many people have been perceiving me in such a manner?  And what the hell are they seeing me as?  An imbecelic and somewhat deranged water hog crossbred with an aneroxic, amphetamine-driven wild boar with the mouth of Ritalin-induced goose?  Okay cool.  I guess maybe I should stay on these things then, huh?  

And that drives my curiosity further…  I begin questioning the people that I feel safe enough to expose my narcissistic speculation and it all points at the same thing.  Over the past year, I seemed like a fucking lunatic.  Why?  Lost my grasp.  Why?  Relationship demands beyond my capacity… beyond my ground… beyond my logic, my fear, my confidence, my everything, but driven from a desire to make it work, similar to a diabetes patient’s desire for glucose or a bipolar person’s desire for lithium… it was massive, but beyond my scope.  So, I started to collapse and here we are.  That’s what love will do.  If you look at the distraught moments of your life, how many of them are caused by a relationship?  Hard to talk about antidepressants without bringing love and relationships into it… we’ll get into it, but for now…

Do I notice a difference?  When I have a good day, I think it’s helping.  When I have a bad day, I think it’s not.  Hard to say this early on… but I think I’m not scaring people away as intensely as I was a few months back, but that’s something people don’t tell you until much later.